Chakra Healing in Recovery - My Story
Have you ever felt like you have all the information you need but still can’t answer a question? That is exactly how I felt about “my” anorexia. For years I had been trying to recover but over and over again, found myself slipping back into old, unhealthy habits and behaviours. From a psychological perspective I understood that anorexia wasn’t really about my weight or body but knowing that didn’t seem to be making a difference and no matter what therapeutic approach I tried, recovery just kept alluding me. That was until my therapist as The London Centre for Eating Disorders & Body Image mentioned the book ‘Eastern Body Western Mind’ by Anodea Judith to me. Before I’d even finished the first chapter, I’d had my “lightbulb” moment; I finally got it! That book didn’t just feel like someone was explaining my eating disorder to me in a way that deeply resonated with my spiritual beliefs, but was also a manual on how I could heal myself. Even now, 7 years later, I return to the pages of ‘Eastern Body, Western Mind’ frequently. It’s got so many post-it notes and highlighted sections it looks like it’s a hundred years old. But it feels like my bible – it is the life guide that finally allowed me to escape the clutches of anorexia. With the support and guidance of my (very patient) therapist, I began systematically learning about each chakra, how the energetic imbalances were impacting on my physical, mental and emotional wellbeing and then doing the necessary work to bring each one back into balance. Introducing chakra work into my recovery journey offered me the opportunity to develop both the self-awareness and skills I needed to facilitate my own internal healing from anorexia.
Chakra balancing isn’t a one-time thing. These energy centres are constantly in motion and as life happens around us, we may find different chakras need our attention at different times. How people choose to work with and balance their chakras is unique to them, I am sharing my experience purely as an example of how it can help in recovery from an eating disorder. This type of healing requires tuning into the body, noticing what is happening (physically and emotionally) and then trusting in our innate ability to know what we need in order to balance whichever chakra or chakras are unbalanced. I will also add that although learning to balance my chakras has been pivotal in my recovery, much of the work I wouldn’t have been able to do without the support, guidance and patience of my therapist, who was willing to step off the “traditional” recovery path and explore something that felt very right for me. As helpful as holistic approaches are, long lasting recovery requires a combination of holistic practices and traditional phycological support with the right therapist!
Healing: A step By Step Process
I view the chakra system very similarly to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs because it teaches us that by building a solid foundation of safety and security we can take a step-by-step approach to becoming an authentic version of ourselves, one which enables us to “self-actualise” or in simpler terms, life a full, contented life. This is how I initially balanced each of my chakras to help me reach the point I have in my recovery today.
The Root Chakra is associated with our sense of safety, stability, grounding, and survival. It is the foundation of the energy system and relates to feeling secure in our lives and connected to the physical world.
The Root Chakra
Although I didn’t know it until I started reading Anodea’s book, for me, recovering from anorexia hadn’t been possible despite all the effort I’d put in, because I’d lived my entire life never feeling safe or secure. So, that was where this part of my healing had to start. I made some key changes in my life including ending friendships, putting better boundaries in place with family, making my home feel safer, even changing careers. But the most important change I made was slowing down. I was so disconnected from myself and my life that I never gave myself the opportunity to notice what feeling safe truly felt like. Slowing down meant that I could take time to ground myself and not feel like I was constantly running from one thing to another. The need to “run” was a protective measure I’d learned at a very young age and as I balanced my root chakra I realised that my survival didn’t depend on needing to escape but on learning to stand still and feeling safe enough to trust in my own abilities to deal with whatever life threw my way.
Being able to feel safe and secure also meant I had to learn that it was ok for me to show my vulnerabilities and to trust others. This happened when I (very slowly) started talking about some of the traumas I’d experienced in my life and realised that no matter what I shared it wasn’t changing the relationship with my therapist. Even in some of my most vulnerable moments she held space for me and the emotions that surfaced without judgement and as my trust in her grew, so too did the trust in myself. Balancing my root chakra allowed me to replicate the safety I felt in her office out in the “real” world which is why I have finally been able to untangle myself from the grips of anorexia. What I thought was keeping me safe was actually just keeping me stuck.
The Sacral Chakra is associated with creativity, emotions, pleasure, and connection. It is linked to our ability to experience joy, express feelings, and engage in healthy relationships.
The Sacral Chakra
Balancing my Sacral Chakra took a more multi-dimensional approach than my root chakra. Not only had I spent years learning to numb my emotions because I didn’t know how to feel them without becoming overwhelmed, but the anorexic behaviours took up so much of my time I had no idea what things I really enjoyed and brought me pleasure, nor how to connect with other people in a meaningful way.
Connection was the first step for me. I’d always felt like I was the outsider, even as the captain of multiple sports teams throughout school and university and then managing large teams of people in my career, I never felt like I belonged; it always felt like I was having to play a role instead of being myself. I was lucky enough to find my “tribe” in 2017 when I signed up to attend Bothwell School of Witchcraft; a Live Action Roleplay Event, loosely based on the Harry Potter & Hogwarts experience. Finally connecting with a group of people who I could just be my (weird) self with felt really liberating, it also gave me to the opportunity to get really creative as I developed the character I would play at the main event.
As my confidence and my desire for connection with others grew, my connection with anorexia began to shrink and I found I was able to get out of my head and into the real world more. This created space for me to discover things that really bring me pleasure. These include musical theatre, live concerts, reading, travelling and eventually yoga. Discovering things that I enjoy and which bring me pleasure also offered me a new way to notice my emotions and provided new ways to emotionally regulate myself.
By brining my Sacral Chakra into balance, I didn’t just take another step towards being able to work on my solar plexus (3rd) chakra, but I also solidified the work I’d done on my root chakra because I was feeling more safe and secure in myself and the world around me.
The Solar Plexus Chakra is associated with personal power, confidence, self-worth, and motivation. It is believed that this chakra influences our sense of identity, willpower and ability to take action.
The Solar Plexus Chakra
Making the decision that I definitely wanted to recover from anorexia instead of learning to live with it as part of my life was the first step towards bringing this chakra into balance. Although balancing my root and sacral chakras helped me to start accepting myself, I still struggled with the belief that I wasn’t good enough and that I had to put everyone else’s needs before my own. As I worked on my self-worth with my therapist, that belief started to diminish and slowly, I began to believe that, just maybe, I deserved a better, happier life, than I’d experienced up to this point. I started to realise that I was more than just my anorexia, that the anorexia was just a part that was helping me stay hidden and weak, whilst the “real me” was much stronger and more resilient than I ever gave myself credit for.
I’m not going to lie, when I first started working on balancing my solar plexus chakra, it felt very much like a “fake it ‘til you make it” experience. But, with the help of my therapist, I was able to visualise who I was and what life looked like without the cloud of anorexia hanging over me. I no longer wanted to feel like the scared little girl who always needed to hide herself and instead be the strong, confident, woman, that somewhere deep inside, I knew I could be. For the first time, I began to believe that recovery really was possible, and it was my responsibility to make that happen. However, taking responsibility for my recovery didn’t mean I had to do alone. Asking for and receiving help was an important part of stepping into my own personal power because it taught me that lapses and relapses are part of the healing process and having someone to help me find my wayback again isn’t a failure or sign of weakness.
Since I first balanced my solar plexus chakra, I have never lost the motivation to want full recovery. Did I always believe it was possible? No! But as my confidence grew and I started making more positive social connections, I found myself surrounded with people who proved to me that it was. Have I always made decisions that have aligned with my recovery? Also, no! Over the 7 years since I started chakra work, I’ve had some lapses and a big relapse. All of which I’ve seen as opportunities to learn from instead of berating myself unnecessarily. Coming back to this important chakra always reminds me that I’m the person in control and I can return to this place as many times as I need to in order to re-balance and take the next step forward, the next step towards being the woman I was always destined to be, rather than back to hiding behind anorexia.
I have a tattoo on my arm which says “be her now” – it is my reminder than I don’t have to wait for someone else to come rescue me. I don’t have to wait until tomorrow to make the right decision for myself. I have the power within me right now to be that strong, confident, woman, I always knew I could be.
The Heart Chakra is associated with love, compassion, forgiveness, empathy and emotional healing. It is believed this is the chakra that links the lower chakras, which relate to our physical needs, to our upper chakras, which relate to our spiritual awareness.
The Heart Chakra
Love, compassion and empathy are all qualities I have in abundance for other people. I just never had them for myself until I balanced my Heart Chakra. Why would someone who always believed there was fundamentally something wrong with her and that she was bad, think she deserved anything but hardship and punishment in her life? That was the question that I needed to answer, because while I believed I deserved to suffer, the anorexia would always have a role in my life.
With my therapist, I began to explore the life experiences that underpinned my anorexia. To identify why I had such negative beliefs about myself and didn’t deserve to be loved. My inner critical voice was replaced by one full of compassion, one that could be kind and empathetic instead of cruel and demanding. I may not have known it at the time, but that was when I began the transition from the anorexia being in charge to allowing my authentic Self to step into the role.
The kinder I was to myself, the harder it was for the anorexia to keep her claws in me because the caring, compassionate, counterpart got stronger. I learned how to emotionally regulate when I felt overwhelmed, so the anorexia didn’t need to step in to numb the emotions. I started to ask what I wanted to do instead of making decisions based on what the anorexia said I “should” do and for the first time in my life, I started to believe that I wasn’t a bad person but instead someone who had had bad things happen to her. Without that lesson I would never have been able to move to a place of forgiveness that opened the path to develop my spiritual awareness and practices.
I was afraid that without the anorexia directing me I would stop being as successful or disciplined as I thought I was, but by balancing my heart chakra I got to experience a sense of inner peace that only comes with self-acceptance and self-love. For me, that feeling is much better than anything the anorexia would have deemed a success.
The Throat Chakra is associated with communication, self-expression, authenticity and truth. It is linked to our ability to speak honestly, listen deeply and express and thoughts and feelings with clarity.
The Throat Chakra
I would never have been able to balance my Throat Chakra without the safety, security, trust and empathy I’d been able to create from the chakra work I’d already undertaken, because being able to speak my truth felt like one of the scariest things I would ever had to do. It felt like my whole life had been built on secrets, lies and the pretence that everything was fine. Truth only mattered when it suited the people around me and when it didn’t, it meant I’d be punished. I learned at a very young age that staying quiet and small was the best way to stay safe and that need to stay small is one of the reasons I struggled to let go of the anorexia for such a long time.
Starting to speak my truth came at a cost because my stories didn’t just involve me, but as I started to unblock the stagnated energy in my throat chakra, I found my ability to express myself liberating; the more I talked, the easier it was to finally feel and process all the repressed emotions I’d been holding inside; it felt like a weight I’d been holding for years was finally being lifted. The combination of believing I had to stay small to be safe and feeling weighed down by so many emotions created the perfect environment for anorexia to thrive. But by sharing my life experiences, feeling safe enough to express my emotions and learning that it’s okay to communicate my needs I’ve freed myself from the burdens that were keeping me stuck. If I hadn’t balanced my throat chakra, I’m certain I wouldn’t have found the connection I needed to heal and reach the point I’m at today.
The Third Eye Chakra is associated with intuition, inner wisdom, insight, imagination and clarity. It is linked to our ability to trust in our own intuition and having a perception that goes beyond our physical senses.
The Third Eye Chakra
Yoga, meditation and mindfulness have very much been the tools that have allowed me to balance my Third Eye Chakra, because to tune into my sense of inner-knowing and to trust that I have the answers within me is only possible when I am fully present and still. All three of these practices are how I create the time and space for that stillness in my life.
That said, living life with anorexia for so long meant that my mind was never quiet because it was always full of thoughts about how I wasn’t good enough or doing enough, or all the other “enoughs” that I could never hope to be. Being still was something to be terrified off, not only because I wouldn’t be burning calories but because I didn’t have anything else to distract me from my life, my emotions and the horrible thoughts in my head.
My mindfulness practices came first and they started small. As I walked in the park most days, my therapist suggested that instead of counting steps, I could take time to notice how many different shades of green I noticed instead. You can image the reaction I had to that idea, but as negative as it was, I did try it. Nowadays I never walk into a park, regardless of where I am in the world, without automatically tuning in and noticing the colours of everything around me. I also never walk into a park without feeling a sense of gratitude that I am well enough to be there in a fully present state.
Meditation was the next step. I started with guided recordings that were as short as 90 seconds and gradually worked my way up. Being able to enjoy even short periods of quietness was enough to keep me motivated to develop my practice and as I continued I learned to notice how the thoughts in my head just come and go when I don’t judge or create stories about them; a similar lessons I’ve learned about emotions and how they come and go if I don’t resist them.
And finally, yoga, the tool that has enabled me to be here today, writing this piece and creating this website. When I get on my yoga mat, I instinctively know what I need from my practice. I can tune into my body from a place of curiosity rather than judgement and allow myself to go inward rather than seeking validation from external sources. Balancing my third eye chakra is the reason I can live my life with the clarity and feeling of self-trust I do today. I don’t need the anorexia to tell me what I need to feel better because I trust I have that knowledge within me.
The Crown Chakra is associated with spiritual connection, higher consciousness, inner peace, and enlightenment. This is the chakra that is linked with being able to sense and tune into a connection to something greater than ourselves.
The Crown Chakra
From my perspective, having a balanced Crown Chakra is only possible when all the chakras below are in balance. After living most of my life in a state of disconnect, I am now able to instinctively tell when someone is “off” in one of my other chakras because I immediately sense the shift I feel in my connection to my Self and everything around me.
Although balancing my crown chakra has been a spiritual journey, one full of many ups and downs as I developed the skills of self-awareness, self-compassion and self-love, it is this chakra that is responsible for me being the person I am today. Instead of my energy being frantic and overbearing, others experience me as being calm, serene and connected. I may not always feel that way, but for the most part I do. This new way of being; living in a state of inner-peace instead of inner-chaos, means I have a much deeper connection to my Self, to other people and more importantly to the universal energy around me. The feeling of being totally alone has been replaced by a feeling of being part of something much bigger and I am so glad to have had the life lessons I’ve had to enable me to reach a place where I can really appreciate that. I will also be eternally grateful to my therapist for all the conversations that started with her saying “this may sound a bit hippie…” since having a balanced crown chakra often feels like I’m living my life of a hippie; simply going with the flow and trusting that I can handle whatever comes my way.
As I mentioned above, balancing the chakras isn’t something that happens once, it is a life long process. Practices like yoga and meditation create opportunities for us to tune into ourselves and notice what’s happening in our bodies which is why they are vital components of my ongoing journey. By noticing when I am feeling something physical I can link it to the chakra based around the area I am feeling it and then get curious enough to figure out why it may have become imbalanced. I can then choose how I want to work with rebalancing it again, whether through yoga, meditation, affirmations or other holistic practices that can help. If you are interested in learning more about ways to balance your chakra system you can find out more in this chakra balancing guide.